I started writing this in the attempt of explaining the reason for my leaving, to facilitate my own understanding of the illness, and to confront the isolation of eating disorders- plus the discomfort surrounding its discourse. This is my last post – and my most frank. Be judicious in reading if you are having difficulties, […]
It’s hard to disentangle the conflictual resentment held towards something which is generally considered a ‘good thing’, yet also has caused significant pain. Like my time at Oxford, exercise is something that, used in a certain way, may be of long-term benefit, but in my experience has too often wrought identity-dissolving waves of anxiety and […]
In the eating disorder mindset, to eat is to fail. It’s a perverse game, in which you’re at once in competition with only yourself, and at yet also with the rest of the world. When adverts, like psalms, preach weight loss and beauty as the one way to heaven, to fly in the face of this dogma – to eat- feels sacrilegious.
Rarely do people acknowledge the pain that comes before. The pain after we call ‘grief’, but when you’re mourning before night has fallen, that pain lies latent, unspoken. It’s a heavy sadness whose premature expression feels the ultimate ingratitude: an illicit grief prohibited by life. The beloved are mourned while the mourned-for are still loved, creating a grief that is laden with guilt.
William S. Burroughs wrote ,‘The first and most important thing an individual can do is to become an individual again, decontrol himself, train himself as to what is going on and win back as much independent ground for himself as possible’.
Three years ago, nearly to the day, I received a call from my now-tutor informing me that I had got a place to study at Oxford. It was the culmination of months of work and anxiety, a golden trophy into which I had poured all my effort, and precarious self worth. Whether or not I […]
My body is passing through a strange state of flux- during summer, it occupied an artificial winter, the sun failing to warm the self-imposed cold in my bones. I’m a season behind, and continually delayed from reaching the place I’m meant to be. The summer was ushered past, my malnourished body spending the finer months […]
When we take a step back from the ‘pursuit of beauty’, the impossible race becomes ludicrous. We all know of the media’s influence on the general population’s perception of body image and beauty- when repetitively exposed to doctored images of models, it is overwhelmingly reported that self-satisfaction and confidence is reduced, dissatisfaction with our own […]
This post was written and meant to be published two months ago, at the start of term. However, silence can be stifling, making a short lapse in writing become protracted into absence. The arrival of the end-of-term has given me a little jolt, and hopefully the subsequent post will be written before February. I […]
‘The places where water comes together with other water. Those places stand out in my mind like holy places.’ In India, a river’s surging energy is lauded as that of a divinity. The river carves and creates the landscape ; its waters give life and carry away death; bodies are cremated on the riverbank so […]